Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Hilarious Headline of the Day

Here's today's unintentionally hilarious headline (from the Washington Post): "First Lady Condemns Junta's Response To Storm."

We would've added the following text:

"Today, First Lady Laura Bush criticized the military leadership of Myanmar for it's response to a hurricane that devastated much of the country and left more than 20,000 dead.
'We know a little about how best to cope with a hurricane,' said the First Lady, with a knowing smile on her face.
'Everyone knows,' added Mrs. Bush, 'that you shouldn't overreact initially to a hurricane. A good leader will stay on vacation for a couple of days and let things sort themselves out.'

'Also, we got an initial report that Burma had "dodged the bullet" on this hurricane, and we're still awaiting official word on the extent of the damage.'

'It's true that video from the scene shows widespread devastation and flooding, refugees trapped in places like convention centers and football stadiums, but you can't put a lot of stock in that kind of evidence.'

'It's better to wait until one has a chance to flyover at about 30,000 feet, from which you can get a much more accurate assessment and not waste precious national resources helping people who may not actually need help.'

The First Lady added that she and President Bush had spoken to Myanmar's foreign minister, Nyan Win, earlier in the day about the limited relief efforts that have occurred so far. She stated that the President had been quite supportive, saying to the minister: 'Winnie, you're doing a heckuva job.'

Just in case it turns out things are a bit worse than expected, however, the First Lady said the President stands ready to assist. 'We're prepared to open the Astrodome to any Burmese who can get there by bus. We also have some FEMA trailers we can give them. And the President is willing to go have a photo-op with any conservative white Burmese citizens whose businesses were harmed by the storm.'

She predicted that the U.S. government would make loans available to any casinos damaged by the storm, and that the Army Corps of Engineers would be happy to forward plans for building flood control dikes capable of withstanding a hurricane considerably less powerful than the one that just struck the country. She also recommended that Burmese tourism companies immediately begin planning bus tours of the devastated parts of the country. 'It's a tremendous way to capitalize on other people's misery,' she noted.

The First Lady closed her press appearance by stating 'we will rebuild Burma,' and noting that the Burmese people knew they could count on Americans because of 'our vast experience in successfully dealing with Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath.'"

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