Monday, June 25, 2012

What I Learned From 50 Shades of Grey

Ok, so after seeing that practically every woman in the U.S. was reading Fifty Shades of Grey and its offspring over the past few months, I decided to see what all the fuss was about.

It was very instructive.  I learned that:
  • Women are as shallow as men
  • Women's literary standards are no higher than men's
  • Women, apparently, will totally degrade themselves sexually and emotionally IF a man is utterly handsome, extraordinarily rich and uses expensive body wash
I also learned that IF--and apparently only IF--a man is utterly handsome, extraordinarily rich and uses expensive body wash, then a woman will:

1.  Have an orgasm during intercourse with him EVERY TIME, right before he climaxes.

2.  Doesn't need any meaningful foreplay.

3.  Doesn't require or desire any kind of oral foreplay.

4.  Will have sex with him at any time of the day or night.

5.  Will have sex with him during her period.

6.  Doesn't mind being controlled and dominated, or spanked and flogged.

Also, said man will automatically be well endowed.  And, he can "do it" at any time of day or night, up to at least six times in one day.  (Wait'll you get older, buddy!)

Furthermore, said man's brother and sister will also be hot; the woman's friend will be hot.  In fact, everyone will be hot.

Finally, the other guy who is the same age as the woman, who cares for her, does nice things for her, and apparently is at least also attractive, will lose out every time.

I won't be reading the rest of the trilogy, thank goodness, as my writing skills would surely deteriorate.  Back to spy thrillers and weather disasters for me!